|
[15 Nov 2009|09:21pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 relieved |
] |
60+ pages of homework are now complete. I came back from the brink of getting an F, and I should actually get a B. If I would have gotten an F, my financial aid would have been taken away and I'd be completely screwed. It only took me two days straight of doing nothing but homework from the moment I woke up and then went to bed, but hey... It's done.
My court date is on March 15th, but hopefully I can start making payments before that time even rolls around. I have three months to come up with something, so hopefully I can do it.
... I was literally so close to a nervous breakdown.... God. I'm so glad the week is over.
|
|
|
[06 Nov 2009|05:07pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 aggravated |
] |
I don't know what it is about this time of year, but things seem to go wrong for a lot of people. On the 29th, a little after I got home from school, there was a knock on the door. I got served. It's for the portion of my hospital bill that I was never able to pay. I have 14 days to pay in full, which I definitely can't do, or I have to choose between a jury trial or a hearing with a judge. I'm choosing the latter, but I don't know what's going to come of it anyway, because I'm in school full time and I have no job. It's going to be a waste of time and money ($75 court fee). The remainder on the bill is $1,215. No doubt they're going to ask if family can help me pay, but I really don't want to do that. Unfortunately, I don't think I'm going to have much choice in the matter.
Oh, fucking hell! The rest of my entry was just wiped away. It was an actual update for once, too. Oh well, the fact that most of it was erased doesn't surprise me and it ties in with the theme the rest of the entry had been anyway.
|
|
| Pissed and Lonely and Sick of Everything. |
[06 Oct 2009|01:32am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 indescribable |
] |
Everyone's married. Or having kids. Or both. Here I am, going to school... Not even knowing what the fuck I want to do with my life. Far from a career, marriage, kids - or anywhere, for that matter. I don't even have a car. Ha! Wow... What a fuckin' spectacular life I've built.
|
|
| Goodbye. |
[02 Oct 2009|02:03pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
indescribable |
] |
Truth was all I ever wanted or needed. You didn't give it to me, but I managed to find it anyway. It's funny, sometimes, how things come about.
|
|
|
[02 Oct 2009|01:19am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 blah |
] |
I'm quitting smoking tomorrow. I realize that I've said that before, but I'm going to this time. If I can quit things that are bad for me emotionally, I can quit doing something that has the potential to actually kill me. I'm pretty fucking blah right now. Kind of at a loss for words. I need more music. A lot more.
|
|
| Can't Let Go. |
[13 Sep 2009|03:02am] |
Each has his past shut in him like the leaves of a book known to him by heart and his friends can only read the title. ~Virginia Woolf
I don't think I'll ever live. I might have, at one point, but something is gone. I was severely depressed in the past, close to losing hope and truly giving up. Then... I found hope. It may have found me, I'm not sure. Either way, what were the odds? (Painful inside "joke" - don't ask.) Found it, loved it, fought for it - then went completely insane and killed it. Then I killed myself because I realized what I had done.
I should be one of those raggedy old men who frequents a hole-in-the-wall bar. My hair should be unkempt. My eyes, bloodshot, would have dark circles around the rims. I would never talk, but wouldn't need to, because no one would speak to me. Which would be for the best, because fuck it, why bother? I wouldn't be mean or nice, I'd just be there. Like the same neon beer sign that's been hanging on the wall for years. Flickering off and on, dusty, forgotten and never noticed. Which is perfect. How it should be. Who wants to converse with the dead...?
I've made stupid fucking mistakes because I made stupid fucking choices. And I don't even want to move beyond them. I really don't. And I really don't care if anyone understands or not. I chose this, so I will live with it - and only it. The choice I made leaves me no choice now.
It's kind of like atonement. Only... For something that can never actually be made right.
I wish I could travel back through time if only to punch myself in the face. Yeah, sure... I could change my horrible childhood and all that went with it, but I wouldn't dare. Because that would have led me away from the best thing that ever happened to me. The punch in the face would have served as a warning to stick with it. To get through being lonely, because if I had waited it out, I would have found the most loving arms. Arms more loving than should be humanly possible. Words more caring than any I've ever heard spoken. Love more real than reality itself seems to allow. But no, I couldn't do it. Couldn't handle having to wait longer.
Haha! Yeah. I killed myself. And I took part of him with me, which makes me, truly, want to kill myself. Murderers don't deserve to live.
|
|
| There is Only the Present. |
[06 Sep 2009|02:38am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 depressed |
] |
I'm so tired, but sleeping is impossible because I'm haunting my past tonight/today. I learned a while ago that it is not the past that haunts us, but we who haunt our past. Well... I learned it about myself. It's true for me - I don't know if it applies to anyone else out there. Some ghostly remnant of myself - one which I killed, by the way (it seems relevant and ironic) - chose to stay in the What Was and not the Here and Now. Which begs the question: How does one go on truly living without every part of themselves? Ah, they don't, that's right. I'm sure the past is sick of my ghostly self by now. I'm sure it has better things to do than just put up with something/someone that shouldn't even be there in the first place. If I could, I'd tell the past to dig a grave and lay my weary head to rest. Then, truly, all would be buried and this extremely bizarre, fragmented entry wouldn't even exist.
But... Sometimes as good as living in the Here and Now sounds, how peaceful it seems... I probably won't ever accept it. This, I deserve. Stuck in limbo with memories of how things were and fantasies of how things should have been. This limbo is always present, will always be present - so looking toward the future is the same as looking toward the past. For those who would disagree with this kind of torture, this idea of mine that I deserve to suffer (and I do), rest easy - because I truly feel that, even if I felt differently about this need to suffer - I could not stop it. Not when I truly killed some part of myself. As I said, you can't go on fully living unless you're completely whole. And as I'm sure we all know, one can not raise what is truly dead.
Some would laugh at me. Hell, even the person I feel the need to suffer for would probably laugh now, would think I was pathetic. Some might think that would be reason enough to stop, but no, it's even more of a reason to continue. I see, and will always see, the point. This is one way, at least, that I will stay true to myself. To the person I thought I was, to who I wanted to be, to who I am and always will be, to who I never was, to who he knew me as.
This entry isn't supposed to make sense to anyone. Not so long as I myself know what the hell I'm talking about - and I'll never look back and wonder - because forgetting is impossible. Not only do I not deserve to forget, I don't want to.
|
|
|
[06 Aug 2009|06:48pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 scared |
] |
I just took a $9,500 loan because the Financial Aid that was awarded to me wasn't even enough to cover tuition for any of the upcoming year. Unfortunately, only $3,500 of it won't gain interest while I'm in school, but the rest of it will. I did not want to do this, but it's the only way I can continue my education. My parents never set anything up to help my sister and I through college, my mom doesn't work at all now, and my dad is still dealing with the whole Jimmy and bankruptcy situation.
Another reason this really scares me is because I still don't know what I want to major in. What if I can never decide? What if I don't make it through school? What if I do manage to decide and I make it through school, but what if I can't get a job when I'm finally finished? I live in the second worst economy out of the entire nation - what if it's not better by the time I'm done? I realize that "what ifs" are kind of stupid... But you know, I can't help it. That's a lot of money. I already took a $2,000 loan before this and I still owe about $3,000 in medical debt. Thankfully I saved my money when I was working and got my $3,000 credit card debt down to $400. But I'm scared right now and I'm not comforted at all by the fact that I'm getting an education. Things are just really bad in this country and it all feels very unstable.
|
|
| Beyond HOT! |
[28 Jul 2009|05:45pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 hot |
] |
It's currently 110 and I'm dying. That's all.
|
|
|
[27 Jun 2009|12:59am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 tired |
] |
I was going to hang out with Tigh and Sarah (again) tonight, but plans got all fucked up as usual. I may see if Tigh wants to do something tomorrow night, maybe just us. When I talked to him earlier he sounded more depressed than I've ever heard him. The worst part is, he wasn't even willing to talk about it and he usually is, so that's not a good sign. Maybe I'll manage to get his mind off of whatever is bothering him, or at least lend an ear to listen. I don't really know what else I can do. I hope, for his sake, that he comes out of this soon.
Not much else to say. I'm thinking about getting the internet for my phone again (ahem) even though I can't really afford it. It's very tempting, though...
|
|
| He's Back. |
[26 Jun 2009|02:00am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
scared |
] |
Tigh got back earlier, so all is good in that regard. He sounded pretty tired, but being away seemed to help a little, at least for now, so that's good. I was going to go to Sarah's with him tonight, but I had too much writing homework. Which sucks really badly, because I haven't seen either of them in a long fucking time. I really want to spend some time with Tigh though, because I'm a lot closer to him than I am to Sarah. He's one of my best friends and I missed him a lot. It's nice to be talking to him at all, actually.
Bleh. I have to write a 4 to 8 page story by the 29th... Ha! I've never even attempted anything like it before. As a matter of fact, I've never even attempted to write any kind of fiction. Not even a single sentence. I'm freaking out. I'm stressed. I could use a few drinks. And I guarantee, I will have some soon.
|
|
| Uggghhh! |
[22 Jun 2009|02:29am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 anxious |
] |
I can't sleeeeeeep! At all. Still no word from Tigh, so I really hope that he's okay. Because Thursday is the day that he's supposed to be back no matter what, I'm going to start freaking out if he's not and I will call the police - even if it makes me look paranoid. I won't really care.
School starts tomorrow. I forgot that I do indeed have a class, but it's Creative Writing and it's online, so I don't actually have to go in. For some reason, it's only being offered online, which is kind of weird to me. But because I've been so lazy lately, I really don't mind. Plus, I just hate taking the bus to school more than anyone will ever realize. Then on Wednesday I have the Astronomy class, which will hopefully be pretty cool.
I'm stressed. About a lot. And nothing I do is holding my attention. Reading, drawing, painting, video games... Nothing. Ugh.
|
|
| What an Eventful Summer! |
[15 Jun 2009|08:07pm] |
|
At home, drinking... Because I have no life. Yaaaayyyyyy. Must listen to music now. All night. Maybe I'll barbecue. Or just dance in my backyard or something.,
|
|
| Meh. |
[14 Jun 2009|03:22am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
blah |
] |
I'm tired, so there may be multiple typos in this entry.
I have a couple of weeks off before I go back to school, which is cool. I guess. It's not like I'm going to be doing anything, so the time off doesn't matter much. I only know my final grade for philosophy and anthropology and both are As. So yay... I guess. Waiting on my art and writing grades, can't really predict what they'll be. Writing won't be that great, because the prof was evil, like I've pointed out a few times. I have yet to decide if I'll take WR122... I don't know if I could go through that again. I'll probably only take it if another prof offers to teach it. For art my sister and I are being allowed into the studio over the summer, which is pretty cool because first-year students aren't technically allowed to do independent study, but our prof knows how interested we are so she had no problem with it. The only stipulation she has is for us to email her once or twice a week while she's in Bulgaria. So yeah. The only problem with that is... I'm not motivated. Not even for art. I have no enthusiasm regarding any aspect of life at the moment. Not the best attitude to have while going to school, but I don't know how to change it. I feel "whatever" toward everything. I even feel "whatever" toward "whatever". Meh.
I'm tired, I'm going to bed...
|
|
| So, SO HOT OUT! |
[03 Jun 2009|10:59pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
hot |
] |
Changed my journal layout - I tend to randomly do that. Lots of homework for finals, not a lot of time to get it done. I have class tomorrow, but I have to take the bus and I'm dreading it. It's 11PM and I'm fucking HOT still, so tomorrow when the sun is actually up? Yeah, not so fun. Especially because the bus stops don't tend to be sheltered on Stark for some reason. UGH! I may go early and get out early before my skin is boiled by the sun. I hate taking the bus. I really do.
|
|
|
[31 May 2009|10:29am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 bored |
] |
Totally stole this quiz, but it's so cute I had to!
 "
Yeah, I'm too nice sometimes... And I really do want to save the world...
|
|
| Another Round. |
[22 May 2009|11:30pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
depressed |
] |
Yep. I'm depressed. Big time.
|
|
| School. |
[21 May 2009|10:25pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 surprised |
] |
Well, I got my first A in my writing class, which shocked the hell out of me, to say the least! When I saw it I thought there had been a mistake, until I actually read my teacher's comments. Not only that, but she suggested I take creative writing, because she thinks I'd do really well in it. I intended to do exactly that - before she mentioned it - and I still intend to do so, this Summer.
All in all, I'm doing pretty well. I got 50/50 for my last Anthropology essay and I got 95/100 for my last Philosophy essay. I'm glad that I'm doing this well. I knew I wouldn't do horribly, but I don't think I expected to do so well, either. I'm dreading the moment I start my math classes, though. I think the only reason I do so well in writing is because I'm so horrible at math. What I lack in one, I make up for in the other. Honestly.
My social life is still boring as hell, which is starting to bother me. But whatever. I said I was going to throw myself into school, especially because I got such a late start, so I guess that's what I'm doing. It'd be nice if I felt like I had someone to talk to, though. I don't feel like I do anymore and it 's pretty lonely, to be completely honest.
Ah well. I have schoolwork to do, so I'd better get started.
|
|
|
[12 May 2009|12:43am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
anxious |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Bad Religion - Sorrow |
] |
I have this feeling... Like things should be happening, but they aren't. I'm restless and could use a break from the monotony. I watched a documentary tonight. It was called "Born into Brothels" and it featured, as you can guess, the children of the prostitutes in this Indian village. A photographer from New York gave multiple children in this village cameras, and she gave them classes and taught them how to take good pictures of all that surrounded them. She went out of her way to try to better their lives and get as many children as possible into good schools. I started crying about fives times watching it. And I was thinking... I want to do what that photographer did. I want to help. I've always wanted to, but the overwhelming sense of needing to do whatever I can started to fade, simply because the monotony of a typical adult life makes you forget the important things in life. If you're typical anyway, and I really don't want to be typical. I'm going to have to join the Peace Corps or some similar organization, for a while. After school, since you have to at least have a four-year degree. I just want to do something important.
|
|
|
[31 Jan 2009|11:33am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 calm |
] |
I find out Monday how much money I'm going to get for Financial Aid - unfortunately I already know it's not going to be the full amount and I may have to apply for loans, which is something I really didn't want to do. I'll do what I have to, though. Still don't know what I want to do, but I have some time to think about it.
Felicia's due-date is approaching very quickly. Time has gone by much faster than I anticipated and Ember is going to be here somewhere around March 1st. I'm going out with Felicia and Tristin today to pick up some decorations for the baby shower, which is next weekend. Still can't believe she's going to grow up calling me "Aunt". Hasn't completely set in yet.
Other than that, not much else has been going on.
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
|
|
|
|